


thoughts too often connected

by casandraderolo



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2018-12-16 20:03:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11836041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casandraderolo/pseuds/casandraderolo
Summary: a collection documenting rich and jeremy





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I-I kn-know Rich. I know.”

 

> **i know**

“Rich?”

 

_Go away._

 

“Rich, a-are you under th-there?”

 

_Please, go away._

 

“Rich.”

 

“Go, the fuck, _away,_ Jeremy.”

 

Jeremy stood silently, before laying at the foot of Rich’s bed, legs, hanging off the side.

 

“I’m h-here for you.”

 

Rich could only barely hear Jeremy’s soft whisper over his steadily growing sobs.

 

“S-she left me,” Rich chokes out. “She- God, she left-left me, a-alone with h-him.”

 

There was a pause before Jeremy sat up and answered.

 

“Y-yeah. I kn-know, but we b-both know w-why she d-did it Rich. W-we both kn-know she h-had no way o-out.”

 

“She still left me with that monster Jeremy!” Rich sobbed. “She left me alone! I was eleven! Eleven, Jeremy!”

 

“Y-Yu don't th-think I know t-that,”  Jeremy whispered. “S-she was supposed to g-get my m-mother ar-adrested, Rich. She w-was the _only_ one w-who knew wh-what was going o-on. She w-was the only one w-who at l-least tried. She,” Jeremy hesitated, trying to even his breathing. "S-she didn't j-just leave y-you with y-your m-monster Rich. Sh-she left me w-with mine t-too.”

 

Rich took a sharp breath. “I-I didn't even… I didn't know… I di-didnt know, you knew her.”

 

“I-I di-didnt, know e-either,” Jeremy laughed, though it lacked any humor. “I f-found out like, a-an hour ago? I-I c-can’t tell y-you how I k-know, but, I-I kn-know Rich. I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a lot of feelings of abandonment lately
> 
> I might write more of this, that's why its an open ending
> 
> Also I'm working of the final installment of my Rich Diary series
> 
> hmu on my new bmc side tumblr  
> http://lohstspace.tumblr.com


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That's why these conversations mostly happened late at night, in dark bedrooms with hushed whispers, afraid that if they spoke to loudly somebody, anybody, would over hear.

 

 

> **shared thoughts**

Jeremy and Rich liked to have conversations. 

 

Conversations that, they didn't necessarily want the others to partake in.

 

They weren't bad conversations, per say, but the two had went through something that none of the others would ever know.

 

That's why these conversations mostly happened late at night, in dark bedrooms with hushed whispers, afraid that if they spoke to loudly somebody, anybody, would over hear.

 

_“Hey Jeremy? Do you... Do you ever miss it? Do you ever miss just… not having to think… not having to worry that you're saying the wrong thing?”_

  
_“All the time.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha.
> 
> i just want to stop the thoughts in my head.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As stupid and lame as it sounded, Rich is afraid of the dark.

> **monsters in the dark**

As stupid and lame as it sounded, Rich is afraid of the dark.

 

The darkness liked to creep around corners and hide things that should never be named.

 

They hide fathers who like to hit, and punch, and scream, and drink.

 

They hide the secrets that are never meant to leave.

 

They hide the bodies of the mother you lost to soon.

 

They hide the murky waters that try to drown you as you sleep.

 

They hide the glowing eyes of a stupid puppet frog.

 

They hide brothers who are fighting over seas.

 

They hide the so called friends, that leave you beaten and broken in an alleyway.

 

They hide the monsters that stare at you as you try to sleep.

 

They hide the truth about yourself.

 

They hide the lies and deceptions that they scream at you.

 

They hide the thoughts that tell you to do things you say you don't want to do.

 

They hide the thoughts that tell you that you wouldn't be having those thoughts if you didn't actually want to.

 

They hide the lovers who say they love you, but leave bruises. 

 

They hide the monsters.

 

The monsters, that follow him everywhere he goes.

 

Rich is afraid of the dark, as stupid and lame as it sounds.

  
But can you really blame him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the real monsters are people


	4. Loud

Sometimes, everything would get to loud.

 

Loud, was bad, because it was loud, but nobody could hear it but you, and you were stuck with thousands of tiny voices, telling you that you’re horrible, you’re faking, your wrong, you’re terrible, you just need to die, you need to fix your hair, you’re failing math.

 

It was all at once and Rich couldn't take it and there were days where it got so loud, and he just wanted silence.

 

He's never gotten silence, and he only knows in person who truly understands how  _ loud,  _ and  _ degrading,  _ and  _ pounding _ , it is.

 

So Rich would go to Jeremy and Jeremy would just know and drop whatever it was to just try and get the noise to stop. 

 

Classical music helped.

 

It reminded Rich of his mom, who loved that he was a ballet dancer, just like her, and her hopeful, adoring smile.

 

It reminded Rich of Thomas, who would always use it to drown out the sounds of his dad, before he knew who his dad really was.

 

It reminded Rich of Jake, before the  _ incident,  _ when Mrs. Dillinger would play it while she cooked dinner, and they would sit in the living room watching shitty soap operas on mute and create their own stories and plot lines.

  
It reminded Rich of happinesses.


	5. A Different Loud

It was loud for Jeremy too.

 

It was loud, but it wasn't thousands of tiny voices. 

 

It was one voice, crisp and clear, and ever so familiar.

 

It was the voice of his mother.

 

It was perfect and precise in telling him everything that was wrong with him.

 

_ Stop faking  _ _ Sarah _ _. _

 

_ Your fine, every teenager goes through this. _

 

_ You’ll understand when you have kids. _

 

_ God, I do so much for you and this is how you repay me? _

 

_ I try so hard for you and you just don't care at all! _

 

And it got too much, a lot.

 

And it was loud and deafening and not much really worked.

 

Rich would hold Jeremy’s hand and squeeze and try to get him back so that he could tell him some stupid story or pun to get his mind off things.

 

He would pass his headphones to him and just tell him to listen.

 

It was usually whatever weird playlist that Jeremy had that month, that had him going from listening to Elvis, to Green Day, to whatever weird Indie band that Brooke had found.

 

Songs that reminded Jeremy of specific memories and people.

 

Whitney Houston for Michael, Elvis Presley's  _ Jailhouse Rock _ for the time Jake and him almost got arrested for flipping off a homophobic police officer, Marina and the Diamonds for Chloe, Freddie Mercury's Bohemian Rhapsody  for Brooke—who knows every word, Metallica for his Dad, anything that's by Carly Rae Jepsen for Jake, Hallelujah for Jenna who went to the concert with him, The World Will Know from the Newsies Musical, Christine, who knows the entire choreography.

 

Songs that means things, to help block out the sounds.

  
Song that mean happinesses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, it's been a minute.

**Author's Note:**

> yell at me on tumblr  
> [main](http://callme-jakey.tumblr.com/)   
> [bmc side](https://transjakobdillinger.tumblr.com/)


End file.
